I am Writing

UNTITLED- I am Writing

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I sit to pour the contents of my soul into oblivion

That maybe, if I get these words on paper my mind and heart wont

feel so heavy

The world just seems dark, like a shadow has fallen upon it

And as the sun tries to peak its rays, the shadow devours them

Making everything engulfed in darkness

 

They say it won’t hurt to smile once in a while

So you plaster this big gigantic smile to appease them

Let there mind go to rest

They say you should spend more time outside

So, you do. The moment your observed, you go for a walk.

Only to find the most isolated corner of the street to sit on the concrete

If you tell yourself you are okay, more times then one

Maybe you will start to believe it

When your breath catches in your lungs, and darkness overcomes your eyes

Your gonna be okay, thats what you said anyway

They tell you to go find some friends to hang out with

I worry for you when you’re alone

So, you plaster that smile again and tell them “sure thing”

Knowing perfectly well, that your heart goes pitter, platter, pitter, pitter, platter

At the mere thought of saying hello

And your hands get all clammy and your mouth goes all dry

So, just for today, just for tonight

I guess I’ll just stay inside

There’s always tomorrow right?

 

 

 

 

 

I am Writing

Hey You, Yeah You, You deserve an Epic Life | I am writing

alive-720243_1280Driving home today from work, I began thinking about what makes a person a bad person, or good person a good person and whether, that has to do with things that the universe throws at you.

I want to believe that if you strive to be a decent human being, meaning that you make decisions that are thought through and you are not out to cause harm to others than life should find a way for good things to happen to you. But, my internal struggle came from well what if you make bad decisions that can be harmful to others and/ or yourself do you still deserve to have good things happen to you. I am still pondering on this.

In my heart I feel like every single person deserves to lead the most epic life. We only get one life to live as is. Why strive to live anything but epic? If we have the power to create what we want, does that take away the desire to harm others. It got me thinking do we hurt people because of something that we are internally not happy with.

Glimpsing back at my life, when I have hurt others it wasn’t because of something they did wrong, it was something that wasn’t sitting right with me that caused me to cause others pain. I think that everything leads back to self- love and knowing you deserve an epic life. I know life throws hardships at you and not everyone has all the cards aligned to succeed but I think that everyone is capable of learning to love themselves and deal with events powerfully.

Loving myself has always been a huge struggle, only this past year have I really devoted time to myself. This year is the first time that I have put my needs first before anyone else’s. And this is what I have learned: My happiness doesn’t depend on other people. I can  still love people who are not currently in my life, because they chose to not be there. Their choice doesn’t lessen my love for them or my desire to wish them to be happy. I am blessed to wake up every morning, and I am so grateful for the people that are in my life. I truly am lucky to spend my days with people that make me laugh, that joke around with me, people that aren’t afraid of being honest, I surround myself with people who like conversations, that are open to letting me be part of their story.

Ultimately I create the reality I live in. Why should anyone but me decide what kind of life I am supposed to have? Now, I know you may be like well, what if something bad happens how do you handle it, my dad reminds me every day when something tough is happening take a deep breathe and handle it in chunks. Break up the situation, human beings are so prone to just jump into action and most of the time the situation we are dealing with is a minimum risk to ourselves but jumping and trying to solve it all in one huge chunk or not exploring your possibilities or figuring out what you are really feeling and why, leads us to make rash decisions.

I challenge you to feel your feelings, all the uncomfortable ones. I challenge you to open your heart to possibilities that you think may be impossible. I challenge you to love like you have never been hurt before. I challenge you to be honest with yourself and do things that benefit you, that make you happy, that make you want to wake up every morning running out the door to start your day.

I set the intention for myself and my life to no longer accept anything less than EPIC. I am creating epic love, epic adventures, and an epic life. I am worthy and worth it, to  live a fairytale.

BE OPEN, BE LOVING, BE FREE! You are the creator of your life, you deserve nothing less then an amazing.

ONE LOVE ALWAYS!

RINA

I am Writing

I’d Rather Kiss Heartache (I am Writing/ Slam Peom)

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One kiss

One moment

Faking the healing process

One Smile

Heart pounding

Mind pleading for them not to notice

Chest caving in

Hard to breath

Head held high

Eyes shining making them believe

That everything is okay.

The desire to feel anything other than the unbearable pain

That was protruding through my chest

Like knifes prickling every inch of my skin

Heartbreak

Your soul shattering

A thousand pieces

Like a broken vase hitting the ground

Maybe, maybe if I didn’t act like her

Fault,  Blame

Maybe, maybe if I was different

Maybe if every inch of my soul

wasn’t hurting in the most terrible way

Always being told

You are too young to know what love is?

Please tell me, am I too young to know what heartbreak is?

Am I too young to know that when that song on the radio comes on

The one he held you close too

The one he sang in your ear

The one that made you grin

Comes on the radio and you feel numb

The tears pour down your face

Making you feel small

Making you relive those moments held in the arms of the one

You’ve trusted the most.

The thing that nobody tells you about heartbreak is:

You NEVER stop loving the one who broke you

It gets easier

You learn to survive

You learn to move on

You learn that you may open your heart up again

But, the one who broke will always be special

For the way you love them, will never be the same for anybody else

Its a different kind of love

A sad kind of love

But, heartbreak is just that a different way of loving

And if the universe gave me a choice

Who would I kiss for the rest of my life?

I’d rather kiss the one who caused the heartache

Than one who made me feel nothing at all

 

 

 

I am Writing

You are your soulmate (I am Writing)

 

soulmates

Namaste,

Today I had this EPIC freaking powerful, incredible, mind-blowing conversation with two beautiful human beings that have changed me and my life.

Six weeks ago I had this great opportunity to partake in a program called “Relational Intelligence”. It was life changing, the one on one experience I had conversing with Matt and Amanda was mind blowing, soulful, breath- taking and most of all it was healing.

What is this program you may ask? It is a course completely based on your relationships, but the most powerful thing is although the course is targeted to work on romantic relationships, it opens so many other areas in your life that you are able to address and heal. This was great for me because I not only got to hear how to be a better communicator, how to show up for myself, and how to keep the honeymoon phase going but, I got to explore myself and patch my heart up. It all takes work, but love never dies.

I knew going into the program I wanted to work on being a better partner in romantic relationships. But, I got so much more out this program because it allowed me to start really healing myself and getting to know myself better.

So, now that all the backstory is out of the way, I want to address the title of this post. “YOU ARE YOUR OWN SOULMATE”, but how is that possible. I learned that I have always looked for someone to fill in the gaps that I wasn’t fully filling for myself. Looking at this is like looking, at a jar of round noodles and pouring water on top and watching the water, sink to the bottom surrounding all the empty space around the noodles.

You are your own soulmate, you are perfect, and you are complete. When you recognize that you are a complete being without the presences of someone else, you are creating this energy around you to draw to yourself a person that will be the icing to your cake. While you are cultivating that energy, you have the time and space to play and find yourself. Who are you as a person? What are you passionate about?

So, who the hell is Marina? I can tell you that, I am a lover of people. I love knowing people’s stories. I am a being that wants to love not only myself but shower and surround the universe with love. I am FIRE, I burn with passion for things that I love. I want to change the world, I want to grow, I want to learn, and I want to burn like the brightest flame in the sky. I will change the world, I will continue to be a lover of man-kind. I am complete and I am whole. I am so excited to continue learning about myself and playing through life. I am enjoying exploring areas of life that are new to me, and which I am curious about.

With that, I set an intention for future relationships. My intention is to be with someone who I can grow with, someone who is my best friend and an equal in the relationship. I want  a lifetime of adventures.

Ultimately, I also set an intention for all relationships, friends, family, co-workers etc. My intention is that I want to surround myself with individuals that will help me grow, explore, converse, and adventure with me. I want to have powerful relationships in all areas of my life.

(I’ll add all information to connect you with Relational Intelligence when I am provided with it from Amanda and Matt.)

Excited to play, Excited to love, Excited to explore.

One Love,

Rina

 

I am Writing

Lessons (I am Writing)

 

autumn

I thank the universe

Everyday for that one

Summer which changed my life forever

It taught me what love is

What it feels to be alive

What its like to be encompassed

In another persons limbs

Seeing so much love and hurt  in another person’s eyes

Shattered something deep in me

I wished I didn’t cry

It taught me that a broken heart

Never truly heals

That human beings are more fragile

Than I could ever possibly think

It taught me how to stand with my head

held up high

Even when a thousands feelings were being

surfaced in my eyes

That summer taught me that you just have to stay strong

It taught me that when you love someone

you have got to be selfless

No matter how much it may hurt

As long as you’re happy, thats all the confirmation that I need

I learned that love is my most powerful weapon

And to LOVE is to forgive

I am Writing

Someday’s (I AM WRITING)

miss-you

Someday’s I miss you. And I feel so freaking guilty about it. This guilt, is like a sitting  rock smashed in between the top of my rib cage, at the base of my throat.

Someday’s I just feel stupid about missing you. But, then I don’t feel stupid because my feelings are valid. And its okay to feel because I am human.

It’s crazy to think that time, can be such a huge factor. Time.  A simple, thing constructed of a circle, with numbers and two hands on it. But, controls every aspect of our lives.

It gives us our somedays. The hopeless optimist in me, says somedays, are a form of hope. Something to look forward too.

But, the realist in me wonders about somedays, like why wait until someday when someday can be today. But, then things may not fall into your todays, then become your somedays. Like someday, I’ll graduate from college because I can’tsphinx physically do it today, or someday I’ll fall in love again, or someday I’ll own a sphinx.

Our somedays are this accurate force, that means once in a while, or in the future. Which, brings me back to my somedays.

I pride myself on being  a person, who hurts silently.  I have put on this facade, that when people leave my life, I’m 100% okay, without them. And for the longest time that facade worked for me, for if I was okay with being walked way from, then I couldn’t get hurt. This shelter method started after my biological-dad moved, and I had to be okay with it. There was no stopping it, there was no pleading for  him not to go, it just happened. Eleven year old me, had to be okay with it. My facade has been bullet proof ever since, well maybe apart for that one time like 4-5 1970-chevrolet-el-camino-steve-mcqueen-688x340years ago.

Which brings me back to my somedays. My somedays consist of thoughts of owning a el camino. An orange one to be exact with a black race strip going through the middle. (Picture credit to GMauthority)

My somedays exist of writing a book, about anything just to leave some footprint on this earth. I have a feeling it will be a book of thoughts and journal entries with magazine pictures taped into the pages. A messy book, like my life, which is whirlwind of thoughts feelings and emotions.

My somedays, involves stargazing and cowboy boots. Dusty roads, and country music.

My somedays include a love so fierce that it lights up the entire universe.

My somedays involve books, stories and adventures.

My somedays include bonfires, and get togethers with amazing individuals I am incredibly lucky to call my friends.

My somedays include still missing you, but being okay with it.

With this I set this intention, for happiness, love full of excitement, friendships so strong nothing can break them, adventures that include the need for cowboy boots, and a simple way of living through the magic of it all I create the adventure of a life time.

ONE LOVE ALWAYS,

RINA

I am Writing

Life’s Greatest Lesson Thus Far ( I AM WRITING)

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One of my lives greatest mentors taught me that “every day in life is just practice”. Relationships whether they be romantic ones or friendships are just practice. It has been one of the biggest most epic things that I have ever heard in my entire life. It has been something that has been sitting and brewing within me for the last couple of weeks.

And I was trying hard to dissect it and allow it to make sense to me. And it hit me hard today when I was communicating and connecting with my work family.

Everyday is about giving your all and playing big. It made me wonder how to make my connections stronger with the people around me, and the thing that showed up most for me is when I bring my all, without judgements and I am full of energy my connections become so much more powerful.

Today I felt amazing, I woke up at 9. This in itself was a luxury. I made myself a giant peach, mango, and  banana smoothie and I went to work thinking it was going to be just a regular day. I went to work, without any make-up on and my hair was still wet from my shower and the first thing I got told today, was that I looked pretty. That one comment in itself just made my entire day so much more better, but my physical appearance didn’t change from what it normally was. Inside I felt peaceful, happy  and that showed. And the day just continued to get better, when a friend shared a piece of poetry he wrote with me. And it made me realize we are absolutely nothing without connections that we make with each other. We have the power to tear each other down or build each other up to become powerful. But, although we are investing the time and work into one another, we must also invest the time and work into ourselves.

“Investing work into ourselves”  looks differently for every single person. But, I’ll break the hard news to you that not one single person is perfect. And that in itself is perfection, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any areas in our lives that one can’t work on. Currently I have been investing the last 2 years on just working on my own well being. Concentrating strongly on my own mind, and learning to deal with situations in a powerful way that won’t leave me depressed or feeling that the world is crumbling at my feet.

What does investing in myself mean?

The last 2 years of my life have been amazing, my first investment was going to Isreal. My spirituality really awoke there. My spirituality has nothing to do with religion, its my connection with the universe and how grounded I feel.

I came back to participate in Landmark and was able to finish the Landmark course and the advanced course and that was so freaking powerful and amazing. Through landmark I met so many people from all ways of life and it awoke in me a new life force that was craving connections.

Very recently I connected with a group of people through a program called “Relational Intelligence”, and I learned more about myself and healed old wounds inside of me that I didn’t even know needed to be addressed.

I am so proud to be practicing life with amazing individuals, those that are currently present in my life, I want to give you all a virtual hug, and tell you I love you from the bottom of my heart.

And those that have left footprints on my heart and are no longer in my life presently, I want to let you know that I am so grateful for every single experience I have shared with you, thank you for your time in my life, thank you for your love, thank you for your existence.

And if we currently don’t talk, I just want to let you know your still so very loved and dear to me. Every single person that I have connected with in my life has left their mark on my heart and I treasure, value and appreciate you.

Go practice life! Don’t forget that love is your most powerful weapon.

One Love Always,

Rina

I am Writing

Just Being – I am writing

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Have you ever felt happy and sad all at the same time?

There this ache in my chest yet a smile on my face. Its a weird strange feeling because my sadness comes from parting. I always claim that I am happier alone, in the comfort of my own company. But, lately I have been questioning the truth of that matter.

Today I surrounded myself with these amazing individuals, for a paint night. I had the obvious option to go home and be in my solitude, but today I didn’t want to be alone. This rare moment when I craved another individuals company. I painted with a group of people that are so full of life, love and openness. And I want to thank and appreciate  them for existing and being present with me.

The last few weeks have been this emotional rollercoaster of applying for schools, accepting a school, working my ass off to pass my psychology class, I haven’t truly been present in myself and my life. I have been going through the motions of being half-a zombie running on caffeine, sleeping 4 hours a night and attempting to be a functioning adult human being. But, I haven’t been being. I haven’t been present.

My “being” came out yesterday after work when I spent a lovely evening with my wonderful friends eating sushi and girl talking. And the beauty of it was presence. I chose to be 100% present. I have been over flowing with the love that I have been receiving and giving lately and these last two days have been so simple yet so beautiful and freeing.

At the end of the day when the make-up comes off, I am just this soul refusing to fight for survival but just being in the moment. EVERYTHING, I have come to realize is temporary and the amount of value we put on it really comes from deep inside ourselves. Life isn’t really hard, its actually quite simple. Continue to love, continue to be, surround yourself with people that make you feel good, allow yourself to heal and just be present.

ONE LOVE ❤ because thats what its really all about,

Rina

I am Writing

Compared (Slam Poem) I Am Writing

compared

When I was in 1st grade I was compared

Compared to my moms best friends daughter

My eating habits were just not fast enough

When I was 15 I was compared

Compared to a granddaughter of my grandmothers friend

Compared

For she was thinner then me

I heard the words “why can’t you be…”

Be skinner

Eat faster

Get better grades

Why can’t you be

The first time I truly fell in love

I was compared to a prior love

Why can’t you be…

This endless cycle of being told

YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH

This endless cycle of wanting to please

Thrown into the wind of identity crisis

Trying to find my own self

While struggling to appeal to the needs of those around me

To be what they need me to be

Terrified that if I didn’t live up to their standards

I would be alone

UNIMPORTANT

That I, I just wasn’t good enough

But then I get told my feelings are valid

But, the root of the problem wasn’t that I was compared

The root of the problem was the feelings of sadness

That arose in my chest

For it broke my heart to be invisible

When all I wanted most was to be seen

How obscene is the thought

To want to be looked at with appreciation for all that I am

And all I can be.

 

I am Writing

To Life:I am Writing

 

life-1662879_1280Does once upon a time really exist

Is it in your mind, or is it in your dreams

Do words on the paper really mean anything

Are your love letters just that, letters spilled on paper

Over a bottle of wine

Delirious

I am no angel

Although I tried hard to please

But, really does once upon a time even exist

Sometimes I ponder

How I show up in your mind

Just a girl that you can dismiss with a blink of an eye

But, I am so much more than that

But you’ll never know

Because you chose to walk out my open front door

And maybe one day, you will chose to knock again

I leave with no promises, for I am ready to heal

To feel what I need to, for it all to sink in

What I learned on this journey is

I love who I love, I feel what I feel, I MATTER and my life isn’t about a destination

Its the journey of LIVING!

TO LIFE, L’Chaim,לְחַיִּים